Another take on gender issues

"[T]the only difference between you and I is that you think by making a man wait a "few weeks" that he will somehow be invested in a relationship."

"Most women say they know almost immediately whether or not they would sleep with someone and certainly by the first kiss. Let's assume that's true... you're in your mid 50's... you know you want to ... so why not?"

I’m not trying to attack the person who made those statements. I’m quoting him because I find these comments representative of misunderstandings and/or differences in thinking that seem to be clouding the waters in discussions about relationships between men and women of a certain age. (The French say that so much better).

Let’s take the first quote—and anyone who is a fan of Pride and Prejudice will understand where I am coming from. I do not know a single mature woman who would “hold back” because she wants to try to get the guy committed. That would be manipulative and unkind, frankly, not to mention risky (for the reason you say—men will just fake it to get what they want). Please note that I say “mature” woman, which means someone who has good self-esteem and feels confident about her ability to stand on her own two feet and does not make relationship decisions based on fear of her own inadequacy. People who are still responding to their own fears and insecurities are just not mature—and this is also not a criticism of them; it’s an observation. Maturity is the ability to think and decide rationally for one’s self, something that insecurity prevents in most young people and a fair number of older people. (My opinion based on observation, life experience, research, etc).

Now, so “why not,” then? Because actions have consequences, first and foremost. Having sex with someone based on attraction is not wrong, but it is higher risk. A rational assessment of that risk leads one to the understanding that STDs may be transmitted without any external evidence of their existence and in places not covered by condoms. A rational conclusion is that one should reduce one’s exposure to said risks.

Second, let’s consider the cost: benefit ratio from a different perspective (risk is in the “cost” column already, of course). What is the benefit of “why not?” In theory, it is a sexually satisfying experience. I’m guessing that most men would consider most sexual experiences satisfying enough if they experience orgasm, which they generally do. So from a male perspective, the cost: benefit analysis may appear rather even-some risk, almost certain benefit.

From a woman’s perspective, however, the cost: benefit ratio is quite different. From my personal experience and talking with other women (and I am open to more input on this-ha, no pun intended), the “benefit” of a sexually satisfying experience with a virtual stranger is by no means guaranteed. Many women can feel a very strong attraction to a man and also find the early sexual experiences quite unsatisfying. So the cost: benefit analysis has a very different outcome.

A mature woman making this calculation has learned, through her life experience, that most men need to be taught how to make love to her, what appeals to her, etc. The act of teaching a stranger about one’s body generally involves more emphasis on teaching than enjoying (yes, there are exceptions, but they are exceptions to the general rule), and one “lesson” is likely to involve more work than reward.

Bottom line: many women conclude that having sex with a stranger generally isn’t worth it. She needs to feel the attachment, the interest, to make it worth investing her time and energy. She’s not trying to “make” him feel attachment—that’s impossible. She is making choices for herself. Hell, for some of us, it isn’t even about needing to be “comfortable,” although for others, that is part of the equation too.

So, imagine you are the one who won’t be reaching orgasm or, in the course of getting there, will experience a lot of unpleasant sensations on some of your most sensitive body parts. Imagine that the person touching you is bigger and stronger and you do not really know anything about them, other than that they seem to be a lot of fun, seem to be stable, and you have a strong attraction to them. You are in a vulnerable position (just the two of you, but the other is stronger), you are taking a risk with your sexual health, some or much of the encounter won’t feel all that good, and chances are even you will either walk away frustrated or have to satisfy yourself in the end. That’s “why not.”

 We can satisfy ourselves without subjecting ourselves to the risk of STDs, weirdos, or unpleasant touches. If getting to know someone leads us to find they aren’t weird and they don’t have an STD I can catch, and we really like them, then we reach a point where we will take pleasure in their pleasure as we teach them, where the effort of teaching will be worth it (because we intend to see them again—we know we can’t determine if he will want to see us again).  From this perspective, I hope it is much easier to see why a lot of women think “Why would I have sex with a virtual stranger,” rather than “why not.”