In this contentious time of deep partisanship, I have a proposal that will solve many of our national woes. It requires some citizens to make small sacrifices of their civil liberties, but in the interest of national unity, such a sacrifice will be considered heroic. I guarantee that my proposal will address the problems most often mentioned by the right: the large and ever-growing number of lazy Americans and the continuing murder of innocent fetuses. I promise that my proposal will satisfy the concerns of the left, by making sure that every American in need has a sufficient and reliable safety net, in keeping with the standards of human dignity. So, if you are interested in real and specific proposals that will both reduce the number of lazy Americans and the number of abortions while preserving the dignity of each American, read on.
The objective of my solution is to make sure that every single child born in America has two deeply involved and committed parents who, between them, can earn enough money to supply the child's every need. At the same time, we must be careful to protect the fertility of American women, in the event that some unforeseen disaster might require higher birth rates than we have right now.
So, we must immediately plan to follow what I call the Couvade policy. To begin, we create a national database with the DNA of every male person--infant through adult--residing in the United States. This small sacrifice of civil liberty will, of course, not be felt as burdensome by American men once they understand the purpose. And that purpose is to make sure that each and every American man can father only one child in his lifetime. The reason for this is obvious: men who can only father one child will be deeply committed to that child, providing whatever it needs to guarantee that it, too, can reach adulthood, reproduce, and pass on the family genes.
Being the thoughtful and sympathetic nation we are, we will of course provide a bank where each man can provide a sperm donation to allow him to reproduce again in the event that his infant or child dies before it has the chance to pass on those genes. But as soon as a woman's pregnancy is confirmed, the Couvade policy would kick into high gear. A DNA sample of the fetal person would be taken by amniocentesis, and the paternity of the child confirmed by matching through the National Male Database (NMD). Once confirmed, the mother would know that the father would have an overriding interest in helping nurture and support the child, so she would have no reason to want an abortion. She could carry the child to term knowing that daddy will stay home with the baby when she does not want to; that daddy will provide the money for extras; that daddy will pass up the promotion which requires travel because he knows he needs to watch out for his child, so she might take such a job. The burdens of parenthood historically borne by women could now be divided between mon and dad!
But how, you might ask, can we guarantee that each man will take his fatherhood so seriously? This is where the simple beauty of the Couvade policy becomes clear. At the time paternity is confirmed, an expectant father will undergo the Couvade Procedure. Officers of the CPA (Couvade Policy Agency) will locate the expectant father and escort him to a Couvade Clinic (funded by private insurance, which of course all Americans will have because no father will want his one and only child to be without insurance!) At the clinic, a small, unobtrusive device known as the Couvade ring, will be placed around the top of the scrotum. Tempered from a metal alloy that activates the device into a tightening spiral, the Couvade ring will, over the course of 40 weeks, gradually shrink and compress the vas deferens, (the same organ severed if a man undergoes a vasectomy). This procedure, reportedly uncomfortable but not painful, reaches its climax in a period known as the travail. This period can last anywhere from several hours to a couple of days, during which the expectant father may need support. He arrives at the clinic when pain begins and might be encouraged to walk up and down the clinic hallways to facilitate the process by increasing his body heat, thus increasing the rate at which the Couvade shrinks. At the very last, the Couvade severs the connection between the scrotum and the body, effectively terminating ability of the patient to father any more children.
We can only imagine what a happy place the future will be, when every child has exclusive access to the man who is his father! Women, of course, must be allowed to retain their fertility for obvious reasons. For one thing, a man might wish to have a specific woman father his child, and since he is the one who only gets one chance (and assuming she agrees with him), he must be allowed to choose whatever woman he wishes. So women might have more than one child. Also, in the event of some unforeseeable crisis, such as a devastating epidemic, it will be the number of fertile women surviving which determines whether or not we can rebuild our population; a relatively few men could father children and sperm banks could be opened, but the women must be able to give birth, perhaps mulitple times!
Absent such a crisis, however, we would have a society in which every child has the financial support of a parent with no other children. Abortion would disappear. Women would have no incentive; the daunting reality that an unplanned pregnancy will completely limit a woman's choices will no longer exist; daddy will always be there to make sure little Johnny or little Janie is safe and well-cared for; he will drop everything to nurse the sick child, and will willingly accept the little darling in his home if mom wants to leave hers for a night of fun and adventure! Why, mom and dad might even be--or get--married, b/c daddy will know that his child's future depends on a happy mommy, too, and he will want to be around to ensure that mommy is happy!
The heavy tax burden of social services would likewise disappear, and yet because of the parental commitment,each child will be raised with the dignity of sufficient resources to guarantee it becomes a productive member of society. Finally, "no child left behind" will be a reality, not a fantasy. All it takes is the willingness of a part of our society to make a small sacrifice, a sacrifice which pales in comparison to the rewards it will reap. Can there be any argument? No; no one could possibly object to losing the right to control what happens to one's own body when the results are so brilliant! Join with me, today, and demand "Couvade now!"
The objective of my solution is to make sure that every single child born in America has two deeply involved and committed parents who, between them, can earn enough money to supply the child's every need. At the same time, we must be careful to protect the fertility of American women, in the event that some unforeseen disaster might require higher birth rates than we have right now.
So, we must immediately plan to follow what I call the Couvade policy. To begin, we create a national database with the DNA of every male person--infant through adult--residing in the United States. This small sacrifice of civil liberty will, of course, not be felt as burdensome by American men once they understand the purpose. And that purpose is to make sure that each and every American man can father only one child in his lifetime. The reason for this is obvious: men who can only father one child will be deeply committed to that child, providing whatever it needs to guarantee that it, too, can reach adulthood, reproduce, and pass on the family genes.
Being the thoughtful and sympathetic nation we are, we will of course provide a bank where each man can provide a sperm donation to allow him to reproduce again in the event that his infant or child dies before it has the chance to pass on those genes. But as soon as a woman's pregnancy is confirmed, the Couvade policy would kick into high gear. A DNA sample of the fetal person would be taken by amniocentesis, and the paternity of the child confirmed by matching through the National Male Database (NMD). Once confirmed, the mother would know that the father would have an overriding interest in helping nurture and support the child, so she would have no reason to want an abortion. She could carry the child to term knowing that daddy will stay home with the baby when she does not want to; that daddy will provide the money for extras; that daddy will pass up the promotion which requires travel because he knows he needs to watch out for his child, so she might take such a job. The burdens of parenthood historically borne by women could now be divided between mon and dad!
But how, you might ask, can we guarantee that each man will take his fatherhood so seriously? This is where the simple beauty of the Couvade policy becomes clear. At the time paternity is confirmed, an expectant father will undergo the Couvade Procedure. Officers of the CPA (Couvade Policy Agency) will locate the expectant father and escort him to a Couvade Clinic (funded by private insurance, which of course all Americans will have because no father will want his one and only child to be without insurance!) At the clinic, a small, unobtrusive device known as the Couvade ring, will be placed around the top of the scrotum. Tempered from a metal alloy that activates the device into a tightening spiral, the Couvade ring will, over the course of 40 weeks, gradually shrink and compress the vas deferens, (the same organ severed if a man undergoes a vasectomy). This procedure, reportedly uncomfortable but not painful, reaches its climax in a period known as the travail. This period can last anywhere from several hours to a couple of days, during which the expectant father may need support. He arrives at the clinic when pain begins and might be encouraged to walk up and down the clinic hallways to facilitate the process by increasing his body heat, thus increasing the rate at which the Couvade shrinks. At the very last, the Couvade severs the connection between the scrotum and the body, effectively terminating ability of the patient to father any more children.
We can only imagine what a happy place the future will be, when every child has exclusive access to the man who is his father! Women, of course, must be allowed to retain their fertility for obvious reasons. For one thing, a man might wish to have a specific woman father his child, and since he is the one who only gets one chance (and assuming she agrees with him), he must be allowed to choose whatever woman he wishes. So women might have more than one child. Also, in the event of some unforeseeable crisis, such as a devastating epidemic, it will be the number of fertile women surviving which determines whether or not we can rebuild our population; a relatively few men could father children and sperm banks could be opened, but the women must be able to give birth, perhaps mulitple times!
Absent such a crisis, however, we would have a society in which every child has the financial support of a parent with no other children. Abortion would disappear. Women would have no incentive; the daunting reality that an unplanned pregnancy will completely limit a woman's choices will no longer exist; daddy will always be there to make sure little Johnny or little Janie is safe and well-cared for; he will drop everything to nurse the sick child, and will willingly accept the little darling in his home if mom wants to leave hers for a night of fun and adventure! Why, mom and dad might even be--or get--married, b/c daddy will know that his child's future depends on a happy mommy, too, and he will want to be around to ensure that mommy is happy!
The heavy tax burden of social services would likewise disappear, and yet because of the parental commitment,each child will be raised with the dignity of sufficient resources to guarantee it becomes a productive member of society. Finally, "no child left behind" will be a reality, not a fantasy. All it takes is the willingness of a part of our society to make a small sacrifice, a sacrifice which pales in comparison to the rewards it will reap. Can there be any argument? No; no one could possibly object to losing the right to control what happens to one's own body when the results are so brilliant! Join with me, today, and demand "Couvade now!"
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